Chickens are flightless birds and other myths I used to believe.

I knew it was over the moment I looked out the kitchen window. There she was perched at the edge of the coop’s sloped tin roof ready for take off. Disbelieving I watched as Clementina took a running leap, flapped her chicken wings to catch a stray patch of wind and flew straight onto the front porch. Ok maybe it was more of a controlled glide, but for what’s it worth, she stuck the landing. My husband and I still disagree on the actual distance of said flight. My conservative estimate was 50 feet, he says it was more like 15. But why disagree over mere semantics right? Regardless of my ability to accurately measure, one thing had become clear. Our chickens had proven they could literally fly the coop and weren’t afraid to showcase their skills. 

To be perfectly honest, I originally thought the 4 1/2 foot high fence we unrolled and staked around the coop was a bit overkill. The chicken novice in me had been planning to use some of that cute white picket fencing. You know, the pinterested kind on Wayfair that’s about 2 feet high? Yeah, that got vetoed. Aesthetics aside, I soon became grateful for every vertical inch of that green wire fence, because once one bird flew the coop they all followed in rapid succession. It was like watching a choreographed water ballet, except more feathers and less water. 

At first it seemed our girls would lead a tranquil backyard existence. They seemed happy with their new digs, spending the day digging for grubs or perching on the oak logs and limestone rocks we’d placed around the coop. But the peace and quiet wasn’t meant to last. Looking back it’s easy to see where we went wrong. With the best of intentions, we made the classic mistake of showing them an existence outside the boundaries of Maison des Poulettes. As soon as we gave them an “evening out” in the backyard, they became desperate to escape the coop boundaries. Like really desperate. They wanted more…more grass, more leaves, more bugs, more everything! Before I knew it they were flying out 10 or more times a day and they weren’t exactly quiet about it either. I’m guessing louder squawks generate better airtime, because the whole neighborhood could hear them. Over and over and over again. Whether we’d meant to or not, we had created some seriously spoiled birds who were literally longing for greener pastures. 

Were we living the actual farm life instead of a suburban existence, these mini-flight adventures might have been termed a minor annoyance. Instead, in true pandemic style, I was working from home, which meant all this commotion had me popping back and forth to the backyard from my desk upstairs, corralling determined escapees and returning them to the confines of their yard. Who needed exercise? Obviously we couldn’t go on like this. It was either move my WFH office and constant Zoom meetings to the back porch or figure out an alternative solution. Judging from the girls prolific flying skills, I wasn’t convinced a higher fence would fix the problem. Ironic, I know.  

Unsure what to do, I did what we all do these days and turned to Google. Apparently wing clipping is a thing, and it’s the perfect solution for ultra-determined birds. I was assured by many, including my neighbor (a former chicken-mom and bird-whisperer), that the clipping of the wings was more like a hair cut and wouldn’t hurt the girls at all. However, what works in theory does not always work in practice, especially for a chicken novice. I was so intimated by the entire process that I waited another 6 weeks. Yes, that meant 6 more long weeks of squawking, flying birds and me running up and down the stairs. Eventually I’d had enough and resolved to just get on with it. Luckily I quickly stumbled onto a wonderful YouTube tutorial by Omelet Pet Products that included step by step instructions for a fool-proof chicken wing clipping experience. Their tutorial was so simple, encouraging and hilarious; I immediately grabbed my super-sharp craft scissors and headed straight for the coop. The girls never saw it coming. 

Thankfully I’d already accomplished the important feat of being at the top of my flock’s pecking order, so each bird immediately did the official chicken squat as I approached. (For those of you aspiring chicken parents, this is officially know as “lordosis” and it means they see you as the rooster.) Clementina was in closest proximity, so she was up first. After a few reassuring strokes and encouraging chicken-mom phrases, I carefully fanned out her wing and per the tutorial, located the ends of the primary flight feathers and proceeded to trim. I’ll admit it was slightly terrifying to crunch through those feathers, but I pressed on and in less than 20 seconds it was done. One bird down; three to go. A few quick trims later and I was doing a happy dance, celebrating the decommissioning of my flock with an Instagram post. Not gonna lie, I felt pretty accomplished. Looking back, I should’ve known it wasn’t over yet. My girls have serious attitude and they weren’t about to go down that easy. 

Just two days after my wing trimming adventure and (premature) celebratory dance, I was on yet another work Zoom meeting, when through the earbuds I heard a familiar squawking coming from the vicinity of the backyard. Running down the stairs to the back door I could not believe my eyes. There they were, Clementina and Rosalie gleefully (and freely) roaming about the yard, looking quite proud of themselves. Meanwhile Celestina, apparently not quite able to navigate the same successful flight path, was desperately trying to keep her balance as she perched precariously on the top of the fence as it swayed back and forth under her weight. Finally I noticed little Pulcherie, frantically running back and forth along the coop’s fence line, raising a racket as she tried to figure out how the heck she could join her wayward sisters. All I can say is my coffee that morning wasn’t strong enough. It was full on girl drama, plus feathers.

There was nothing to do, but turn to Google once again. Shortly thereafter, I made yet another trip to retrieve my craft scissors and headed to the backyard for round two. Apparently MOST birds are successfully grounded with only one wing clipped; however, some “special” birds (insert the names of ALL my girls here), require both wings to be clipped to achieve true flightless status. Would’ve been nice to know. 

Lucky for me I keep my scissors sharp.